Tuesday, June 15, 2010


Generally my blog posts come from a fleeting thought. I get a little idea, I sit down and write about it and I hit the post button and hope for the best. Today is a topic more near and dear to my heart. This is a thought I have pondered for years and never had the courage to express. I believe that others may have other views and I quite frankly think they are wrong.

I am going to address the preparation, presentation and consumption of watermelon. First off, I think that this issue is drastically under-discussed. Watermelon is, without exception, the greatest food available to man. When prepared, presented and eaten properly, watermelon is the most divine of foods. If the preparations are undertaken with haste or without thought, watermelon becomes an OK food that is backwards and awkward.

Preparation: To start, watermelon has to be cold. Store the melon in the refrigerator for at least several hours before consuming. Next, the watermelon has to be sliced. There is no alternative. The slices should be anywhere from 1-5 inches thick, depending on how hungry you are. The ends of the watermelon should be discarded, only slices of watermelon with pink on the top and bottom and green all the way around the edges should ever be served. To further cut a watermelon into wedges is the destruction of a perfectly good food. It is the wedge shape that absolutely destroys a watermelon and the delectable goodness that it stands for.

Presentation: The watermelon should be served with the wider side up on a plate that is slightly larger in circumference than the melon slice. Watermelon should always be served with a spoon. A silver spoon is most appropriate, but any metal spoon will produce satisfactory results. A napkin is not required when serving watermelon. If you are really going to enjoy the watermelon, you have to be willing to put up with some spoon spray and mouth drippage.

Consumption: To eat a watermelon you press the spoon into the flesh, turn the spoon 360 degrees and form a perfect watermelonspoon shape. Watermelonspoon is the official name of the shape that is extracted from a slice of watermelon by inserting a spoon and turning it 360 degrees. It is not quite a sphere, but really there is no other name for the shape, therefore I named it myself. Watermelonspoon shapes of watermelon should be taken from the outer pink edges of the watermelon first. You should take the melon from as close to the rind as you can, so as not to waste any of the sweet goodness, but this is the least sweet part of the melon so consume it first before you move onto the center portions. The key to eating watermelon is to eat a ring of watermelon that is just inside the rind, leaving the center (the heart) for the last. If your outer ring is not wide enough, there will be some pink flesh left that either contains seeds, or contains the little pock marks where seeds should be. The seed area is the next area that needs to be eaten.

At this point your plate should be a ring of rind to be discarded and the very center, brightest pink area of the heart left. This is the best part of the watermelon. If you massacre a watermelon and serve it in wedges, the heart -- the very best part of the watermelon-- is the first bite and it just gets worse from there. If you eat a watermelon correctly, you save the heart for the last and you have the opportunity to enjoy the pinnacle of nature's sweetness and savor it in your mouth for the rest of the evening.

While it doesn't really matter how long you take to eat the outer portions of your watermelon, the heart is to be savored. Every bite should be extremely small and consumed slowly in order to maximize the enjoyment of the fruit. When you take that final bite, you are done and should discard the rind. You should NOT, however wipe your face. You should let the ultimate sweetness that dribbled down your chin remain on your face as a reminder of your recent consumption of perfection.

If you have any questions on how to eat a watermelon, please let me know. I am always at your service and would love to demonstrate the proper techniques.


Heffalump said...

I am willing to try it your way, however my problem is actually picking out a good watermelon. Do you have any tips for that?

Earl said...

Do you turn the spoon clockwise or counter-clockwise???

sans auto said...

Picking a good watermelon:
a) knock on it and it should sound hollow
b)buy them in late summer when they are in season in your area (Oregon coast probably gets them from tri-cities, so mid to late summer)
c) send my wife to buy watermelon, she always gets the good ones.

Earl - counter-clockwise. Always.

Emily A. W. said...

counter clockwise? Are you left handed?