'I'

I posted earlier about using the word 'I'. I challenged readers not to use the word for a day. Did anyone notice the irony in this? Here I am, writing a blog about myself and my experiences from my perspectives and I asked people to consider how much they think of themselves. I know I'm a hypocrite, but I wanted to prove a point and the comments I received hit right on it.

First, Roadrage commented that he couldn't write about his opinions without using 'I', so he postponed starting the experiment until he finished the post. He then talked about the need to belong. As we are talking to people we are often thinking of what we want to say to contribute. I think that is our desire to 'fit in'. If I can relate my experiences to those of another, that means that I'm not nearly as weird as I think I am. I have an experience similar enough to the person I'm talking to that I can contribute. I want that person to know about my similarities so they don't think I'm as weird as I think I am.

Then the other comment was from Heather who hit the nail on the head. She forgot about it most of the day (as did I), then when she was thinking about it, she noticed that as someone was talking with her, she wasn't thinking of what the person was saying, she was thinking of what she ('I') was going to say in response. I know I do that a lot and based on the conversations I have with people I am pretty sure that people are more interested in relating themselves to the conversation then 'hearing' what is being said.

I think this is an interesting situation because I think one of the best ways to 'fit in' and really build meaningful relationships is to truly listen and understand people, but in reality people tend to want to 'appear' to belong by commenting about themselves. I would venture to guess that the more we resist using 'I' in conversations, the better relationships we can build. Of course that goes with the idea that you really can't have a meaningful two way conversation without using the word 'I', but if you really want to belong and feel powerful relationships it happens as we focus on others and not ourselves.

I wonder why I didn't get a degree in psychology, I like this sort of stuff... Maybe I could start over.

Success

I've been thinking of what I want to do with my life and why (the link is a joke, but there is another versions). I've been thinking of aspirations.

I'm a doctoral student. I suppose there is some prestige in that once you get out and can be called doctor and you get a PhD behind your name... Unless you are just hanging out in school because you are afraid of leaving school and getting a real job, that just makes you sort of immature and unprepared to grow up. I don't know which I am.

I've been thinking about future jobs. What do I want to do? (Whenever I think of that, I think of the Twisted Sister videos I linked to above, I don't know why). I don't, however, want to spend my life listening to bad music from hair bands. I think that I have some good ideas that I could spend a lifetime doing research and contributing to research. I also like working with students who are deciding what to do with their lives (Since I don't know my own direction, I figure I am qualified to direct others.)

In my field the top researchers are competing for grants from the National Institute of Health (NIH). Reaching the ultimate 'success' in my field involves spending long work weeks competing for big money grants from the NIH. That is not my goal. I think that I could do it. I think that I could make lots of money and contribute greatly to 'the literature'. That's not my goal. I don't want you to misunderstand, I have come this far in my education because I want to use the information I have learned to help people, but I think there is a disconnect between the available information on health and application. I want to spend more time filling the gap than conducting new groundbreaking research. I would consider myself successful if I can teach others about how to be healthy and it makes a difference in their lives. I can do this teaching classes or in producing research that is understandable and attainable for people who have been struggling with their health.

Those are my professional aspirations. Those are secondary to my real goals in life. I want to spend lots of time with my family (I have to improve that). I want to spend real time with my kids helping them to learn the importance of integrity and hard work. I want my children to learn through real life experience how to communicate effectively and how to interact with others in a way that uplifts all involved. I don't necessarily think that I'm good at that, but I have met people who are and they are a pleasure to talk to. I want my kids to be able to contribute more to society than I have. For the time being my wife is doing a great job at working toward my real goals in my life. I hope to be able to contribute more fully to my goals soon.

This goes back a little to what other people think of you. Is this a cop out? Am I trying to enter retirement early and spend my life doing nothing but fishing and hanging out in my underwear around the house? I don't think so. I have definite goals and they take work. It just happens to be different work than a manufacturing job or even the work as a professor. I want to work at bringing my family up properly.

But can you make money raising a family? No. That's why I have to have a real job. Here's the big point that I want to make; my aspirations and true goals in life are based on family. If I spend too much time at work (like I do now), I will fall short of my true goals. In order to attain the goals that I feel are really important in this life, I will have to get by on a meager income and sacrifice financial well being for time spent with my family. In many circles I think I will be considered unsuccessful because I haven't taken the highest paying (and generally most time demanding) jobs, but 'settled' for a 'lesser' position. The thing is that I will NEVER be 'settling' for my family because I believe that there is nothing GREATER to work for than a successful family.

Bragging

No, this is not a blog about my kids, I want to discuss pride and why people do what they do. On my survey there was a respondent who commuted by bike. To be specific it was a recumbent. In some of the open ended questions he mentioned that he commutes by bike because it is different, it isn't the norm. He takes it to another level and specifies that he commutes by recumbent because most people who commute by bike don't ride recumbents. He has a desire to stick out, to be different.

Why? Probably because it draws attention to himself. I watch my kids fighting for attention all the time and I think that we as humans really like attention. Do I want people to know that I woke up early and rode my bike 12.3 miles instead of driving? Well, I like it when people ask... errrr when I get (make) the opportunity to tell people that I commute by bike. It puts attention on me and I don't think that I'm the only one that likes that attention.

Do I want you to know that I'm better than you because I had the strength and courage to battle the bad weather and mean drivers on my way to work while you were lazy and sloth like (I think you're ugly too, but that's a different point) and drove? Suddenly I'm not feeling so good about myself and my bike ride to work. I do not believe that I'm better than motorists. I know that there are many reasons to drive. I know that many people would like to ride but can't for whatever reason. There are many people that just don't think of it. That's OK. Do I hope that some drivers will see me and think, "gee, I think I could do that"? Sure, I hope that I can motivate someone to start riding. That is not, however the reason that I ride.

I have heard of people who will not do something because they feel it will make it look like they are bragging. Wouldn't that philosophy, taken to extremes, lead to a world where everyone does exactly the same thing in order to not stick out? I don't think that's healthy. But some people will do something for the sole purpose of being different, not necessarily because they like or agree with the thing they are doing. I don't want to mistaken for someone like that, that's not who I want to be.

I know it's easy, all you have to do what you believe regardless of what people think. Except making impressions with others is a HUGE part of this world. Other peoples' judgements of me will decide my job and my friends and define my reputation. If you get a reputation as 'that creepy guy who never really does any work', that sticks with you, it doesn't suddenly vanish. It takes a lot of work to demonstrate otherwise. And what work are you doing to convince people that you do something? You are taking good care of what people think of you to build a reputation. In the end, it does matter and we have to take a little care of what people think of us. I know there are moments when I say something and can tell that it was taken wrong and I think, "oops, that came across far more egotistical than I intended".

So here's a challenge for you (and me). Pretend for a day that the word 'I' is the most profane word that you know. Using that word is the greatest insult imaginable to the person that you happen to be talking to at the time and it should be avoided. The point of this is not to absolutely avoid using the word 'I', the point is to make a mental note of when you use it and how often you talk about yourself. How egotistical are we? I've done this before and look forward to doing it again. It's insightful. How long can you go without talking about yourself? How does it make you feel? How does it make the person you are talking to feel? Let me know how it goes.